Losing It

I enter relationships with friends carrying a great deal of trepidation.

If at anytime you feel a lacking in the relationship remember you had been forewarned, I’d rather not hear your whining, as there is most likely a reason you had just been a friend before…

I’m only trying to protect that friendship.

I’m having a self realization moment when you realize that you’re not going anywhere. Like right now with my job and school I’m stuck in a rut not going anywhere. So I started thing about going working with my dad at 1 of his schools for night shift, I’d be making a little extra money allowing for savings for me.

And with having a set schedule working tonight I go to college to be easier to work in during the morning. Id be able to help get myself a head of the school.

Post more later

That was an exciting, not so good or pleasant weekend.

Got to drunk early sat morning, cops came. People telling me I’d be able to do something I’d been wanting to of for a while.

I dunno i just don’t care

Funny thing I just realized, I’ve been listening to softer normal “pussy” music for a while now and I’ve been depressed the whole time doing so. But, back when I was huge into my real favorite type of music, heavy metal, my depression was much more tolerable.

Strangely it’s as though the heavy metal turns my depressive feelings into anger becoming an outlet, where as regular music does the opposite and builds these feelings up further regressing myself.

So last night I got real drunk again, downed over half a bottle, which never turns out well when I do it alone… Each time I do I seem to get even lower. Wouldn’t say I’m an alcoholic, but as I soon might start drinking during the day, as a coping mechanism, you might as well say I am. I don’t really want to do this, though as things keep building up mentally I can’t deal on my own.

I do feel that I do need to seek some sort of mental help, more then just my basic doctor who just gives antidepressants. Whether it be a psychologist or me actually committing myself, which I was leaning to the latter last night.

Feel like shit now, I can’t keep doing this to myself though …. And I know one thing for sure I need to get the fuck out of this house!

And now its getting to the point that I’m barely able to hold it together in public. Getting so stressed from things, that I go find an area away or my car, just to yell at myself to get thoughts out. Of course thoughts of suicide had to come back in full swing also…

Like in public I’d get mad at the stupidest things. At this point I can feel myself starting to let go, and catch myself before I’d start yelling aloud. But that’s getting worse I feel soon I might start shouting aloud when there’s people around

Why do I lie to my doctor, and say that these meds are working? Prob cause I fear he’ll think I’m nuts, well fuck I am, so what matters?

I think instead of ignoring this feeling, that I’ve always had, I’ll try to embrace it more and be less of who I’ve been told I am by society… And just be me